PRECIOUS MOMENTS

A few days ago I had a sort of major family emergency that shook me pretty bad.  For the few hours I was in the emergency room waiting I was a nervous wreck.  Thankfully, everything ended up being alright in the end, but I know this medical scare is just the first of possibly more to come.  Even more now, I am questioning whether it's right for me to leave.  Life becomes so precious and fragile as you get older that you just want to spend your time being close to the people you care about.  I really took my family for granted growing up and while I was never particularly close to my extended family, this person has always been there for me as constant support.  I'm scared that if I go away I will have to say my final goodbyes which I'm not prepared to do yet.  I'm being really morbid here and I really hope I'm just over thinking everything and things will go back to being normal, but a part of me knows that something is terribly wrong.  I know that everything (good and bad) comes to an end eventually.  That's just the path of life and we can't change that.   We can, however, choose how we walk that path.  

COUNTDOWN

Sorry I've been MIA from this blog for a while.  I've been having a lot of anxiety these past couple of weeks.  It's starting to get very real that I will be leaving Hawaii soon to return to Seattle.  I'm finally going to have to wake up from this dreamlike trance I've been living in the past few months and face reality.  One of my best friends just moved to Hilo for graduate school and I'm wondering if I should have picked that school instead of the one I'm going to Seattle.  I do love the laid back, friendly atmosphere of Hawaii and since I hope to work and live in Hawaii after I graduate, I'm wondering if I should have just stayed home where I could have saved money on tuition.  Even though I love Seattle too, the city has lost some of that charm that won me over my undergraduate years.  There are still so many places to explore and adventures to experience on the mainland though.  I know these next four years will be really tough and require a lot of work, I'm just wondering if I'll be able to get through them without the comfort of my close friends and family.  I may be over thinking everything right now, but I'm really comfortable at where I'm at right now and scared that having to change and adjust to a new lifestyle will break me.  I'm trying to go into this with an open mind, but in the back of my head I'm constantly questioning myself if I made the right choice.  I guess only time will tell if I did.  

I'VE BEEN BIT...

By the hiking bug that is.  It is now something I crave to do once a week.  I guess because the gloom of me leaving in a few months is just on the horizon that I am trying to do and see as much as I can.  All my life I took for granted living in Hawaii.  As an wanderlusting (and somewhat sheltered) teen who wanted to see the world (heck, just getting across the Pacific Ocean was enough), it seemed so confining living on an island.  I finally got my wish when I moved to the mainland for college and I did do a lot of traveling (visited 3 different countries and took a cross country road trip).  Yet, the most exciting thing were those few weeks and summers I was able to go back home.  Now I've had the pleasure of moving back home for half the year before I start graduate school and it is only now I am discovering how much this little island has to offer.  I guess you don't realize what you're missing until it's gone.  I really hope this summer is filled with a lot of new adventures and discoveries, because time is running out quick! 

(This weekend's hike was the Makapu'u Tom Tom trail.  It's a hike that I had wanted to do since I read about it on Unreal Hawaii.  Check that off my bucket list!)

THOUGHTS

There has been a lot on my mind lately such as preparing for my cross Pacific move back to Seattle (again).  I'm not moving for another few months but there's still a lot to be done such as finding an apartment, applying to internships, getting my financial aid in order, etc.  Even though things have been a little stressful at the moment I've been trying to take a step back and savor my last months here at home.  The other day I was at the hospital shadowing some doctors on their rounds.  One of the patients we saw was a woman from China who had come to visit her friend after years of not seeing each other.  She had just arrived the day before when by some freak incident she suffered internal bleeding in her brain.  Her prognosis was determined to be very low and the doctor's were already setting to take her off life support.  She never even had a chance to see her friend.  I was there when her friend and family came to say their final goodbyes.  Her friend was sobbing uncontrollably and it nearly broke my heart.  It took every ounce of me not to cry in that moment.  It was my first time being in such a situation and probably not the last time I will see it in my profession.  It just reminded me that life is so fragile and to never take anything or anyone (especially friends and family) for granted.  This is something I will never forget.

JOY LUCK

"I have this feeling that I'm not myself anymore.  It's hard to put into words but I guess it's like I was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again.  That sort of feeling." - Haruki Murakami

For a while now (months really), I feel like I've been in this downward spiral.  I don't know where my life is going at this point.  I have become a very hard and cynical person, creating this barrier around me that even I don't know how to break down.  It seems like everything around me is falling apart.  It's hard because I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to.  I'm not a very open person and prefer to keep things to myself.  One of my biggest fears is asking for help.  I don't know why, but I've always been like this.  Sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning, because  I know the day is not going to enjoyable.  I just want to get back to my old self again.  Today, my dad gave me a Buddha statue.  He told me to rub its belly everyday and it would bring me joy and good luck.  I'm really hoping he's right.